An Improper Story (An Indecent Story)
The Testicle brothers were trying to get their friend, Pea Niss, into Aunt Vagina’s, a local bar. The Testicles were allowed in. However, Pea Niss couldn’t get in Vagina’s because he was too small. Mr. Hands, a friend, tried to squeeze Pea Niss in such a way to increase his size. But they needed more than Hands to get him up to get him in.
“What we need is Big Dick!” One of the Testicles exclaimed. “He’ll help us get out Pea Niss into Vagina’s.”
The three went to Big Dick’s place to look him up. Big Dick’s lover Oral called up to him.
“Big Dick, there’s a Pea Niss and a couple of Testicles out here trying to get up to see you.”
“Break out a six pack, Oral.” Big Dick replied. “As soon as I get up, I’ll get down.”
The Testicles and Pea Niss addressed Big Dick with the problem.
Big Dick said that it was easy for him to get into Vagina’s.
“But you don’t want to rub the wrong way or else it will be hard.” Big Dick said.
“Let’s go to Vagina’s and you let me handle it.”
So, Big Dick, Pea Niss, and the Testicles came near Vagina’s. Big Dick stuck little Pea Niss inside his coat so he couldn’t be seen.
Aunt Vagina was at the front door. She saw Big Dick and the Testicles coming toward her. But she didn’t see that Pea Niss was coming, so she decided to let them enter.
Big Dick appeared to be foaming at the mouth. “Good evening!” He said as he entered Vagina’s. “I really love coming into your place.”
“Oh, thank you, dear.” Vagina chimed. “I see your lips appear very frothy. Would you like me to wipe you off?”
“Thanks, Vagina. You can whack me off anytime.” Big Dick replied. “I always come to you for what I need.”
Vagina started wiping away the foam from Big Dick’s mouth. She didn’t notice the movements of Pea Niss in her place.
Meanwhile, the Testicles had found a spot near the door way of Vagina’s place.
“Come on! Come on!” They goaded Big Dick. “We’ve made it inside. So come over here and enjoy yourself!”
Big Dick managed to find a spot. Little pea Niss slipped out of his coat and snickered about being able to sneak into Vagina’s.
He roared as he bought them a round. “I couldn’t have come without my friends, Big Dick and the Testicles!”
Words - 421
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Problem In The Basement
A Problem in the Basement
“Dear, I wonder if you’d do something for me.” Janet said sweetly. “You see, there’s this problem in the basement.”
Bill looked over his newspaper gruffly. “If it absolutely has to be done this minute, I will.”
“Absolutely!” She said. “Please look at it now.”
Janet led the reluctant Bill down the stairs. “He looked around the basement impatiently.
“So where is this…?”
Bill was cut off abruptly by a heavy hammer which went smashing through his skull.
After burying her problem in the hole, Janet carefully covered it up with cement.
A few minutes later, she fixed herself a cup of tea. There was a problem in the basement, but she could live with it now.
Words - 122
“Dear, I wonder if you’d do something for me.” Janet said sweetly. “You see, there’s this problem in the basement.”
Bill looked over his newspaper gruffly. “If it absolutely has to be done this minute, I will.”
“Absolutely!” She said. “Please look at it now.”
Janet led the reluctant Bill down the stairs. “He looked around the basement impatiently.
“So where is this…?”
Bill was cut off abruptly by a heavy hammer which went smashing through his skull.
After burying her problem in the hole, Janet carefully covered it up with cement.
A few minutes later, she fixed herself a cup of tea. There was a problem in the basement, but she could live with it now.
Words - 122
The Climber
This is it. This is the one.
Zach looked at the building.
Well, if I’m going to do it, I’d better get started.
He looked around nervously. People were walking back and forth on the sidewalk. As far as he could tell, nobody was paying attention to him. But that would soon change.
For a moment, he thought that he just wasn’t going to do it. I must be crazy to try this. This will never work. Maybe I should do something else. In don’t feel right about it. Am I having a panic attack?
He knew that he had to put all doubts to rest if he was going to succeed. I can do it. I certainly can’t do it if I don’t try. This is what I do best. I’m going to do it.
Then he walked over to the building and started climbing.
Zach knew that the first few minutes were the most important. If the security guys saw what he was doing, they could nab him before he got anywhere. He had to get out of their reach before it was too late.
He quickly worked his way up the edge. His hands griped every crack as tightly as possible as he pulled himself up. Why, this is easier than I thought. I’ll climb to the top in no time!
Zach carefully planned each move in advance. He kept reaching for higher crevices on the surface of the building. Inch by inch, he was slowly making his way up.
The climber heard some shouting from the ground. People were watching him now. He knew that the security had already been alerted. But they can’t stop me now. I’ve already made it to the third floor.
The best thing to do was to ignore the noise. It’s just a distraction. Once I get high enough, I won’t even hear them. They are all below me now.
Hey, this is actually fun. It reminds me when I was a kid and I climbed the monkey bars. Well, look at me now, everyone! I’m the amazing fly guy! I won’t stop till I get to the top.
He paused for a moment to look down. Heights didn’t bother him. With his free hand, he even waved at the crowd which was forming below. The police were there already. Incredible! Would they have arrived so soon if he had mugged? He heard a siren. Fire trucks. Now why would they think that he was going to start a fire. I guess they had to bring a whole truck with them just so they could set up a safety net. Well, that wouldn’t be necessary. I have no intention of falling.
Zach resumed his climb. His hand slipped off one of the crevices. He quickly grabbed another one. That brick felt a little oily. It doesn’t matter. I shall continue. He kept crawling up the edge. The corner of the building was the easiest part to climb. The police would also have a more difficult time getting to him there.
Oops. I almost lost my footing there. He stuck his foot into another crevice. The hands are what’s important anyway. If you have good hands, you can do anything with them.
The wind shook him slightly. It’s nothing. Just a breeze. A tornado couldn’t knock me off. I’ve just got to hold on and I’ll be alright.
He gritted his teeth. I wish I could stop and rest. This is taking a lot of energy. But I can’t quit now. I’ve got to keep going. There’s no going back now. I certainly couldn’t descend a building as easily. There’s no way to go except up.
Zach reached for the next crevice. His fingers couldn’t seem to grasp it. Is my hand numbing up in some way? He made another attempt. There, I got it. The climber pulled himself up another few inches.
For a moment, he seemed to be stuck. Anyway, he sure wasn’t traveling as fast as before. What was the problem? It seemed like the higher he got, the more gravity was pulling him down. The wind blew his face. His shirt rustled in the breeze. I’ve got to concentrate. All I have to do is what I did before to get. It’s all just the same thing over and over again.
He looked down for a moment. No, the height didn’t bother him. It was actually kind of exciting to be up there. He thought he noticed something on the wall of the building below him. Don’t tell me there’s another climber down there. Great. That’s just what I need. Competition. Whenever I have any idea, the problem is that it’s already been done or someone copies me soon afterwards. Even my craziest ideas get stolen.
Zach looked down again. There wasn’t another climber. There was just some guy sticking his head out of the window so he could get a better look at the climber. The wall crawler noticed that there were other people doing the same. Some of them were sticking out pretty far. Maybe they were having their own contest as to who could lean out the window the furthest. In that case, the winner would be the person who was the first to fall out. He was amazed at the way some people risked their lives in order to watch other people risk their lives. This is only for professionals, folks.
The climber stopped to rest. This wasn’t a good sign. He was spending too much time trying to catch his breath and not enough time getting to the top. But I can’t help it. I’m tired. I’m panting like a dog in heat. How much more of this can I take?
He looked toward the roof. How many more floors were there? It’s hard to see from this angle. Maybe fifteen, maybe twenty. That would mean I’m halfway done. Halfway to the top. I know that it will all be over soon enough.
Zach noticed a man looking down at him from three floors up. Maybe he’s a cop trying to stop or block me. Well, he’s wasting his time. I’m at the edge of the wall and there are no windows above me. The only way to beat me at my game is to come out here play with me. If anyone out there wants to try this, be my guest. Only let me warn you. It’s easier to drop on in than to drop out of this game.
The fly guy reached for another crevice above him.
Aaaaaaaaaah!
I almost yelled out loud. The edge of that brick just seemed to crumble in my hand. I’ve noticed that the cracks seem to be a lot dirtier now than they were below. I’m in uncharted territory. Nobody has touched these stones since the day they were set. It’s like climbing a mountain. Why do I do it? Because it’s there.
Wha…! Aaaaaaah! What the hell! A damned bird ran into me!
The climber watched as the pigeon settled on a ledge just a few feet above him. Hello, little fellow. I guess I’m not alone up here after all. I don’t suppose that you could give me some flying lessons. I thought not.
He raised his had for the ledge. No, just a few inches too short.
Ooooh! Crap! I cut my hand on something. It’s just a scratch, but it hurts like torture. This wall has some sharp edges. I’ve got to watch out.
The bird seemed to ignore him. It paced back and forth along the edge out of his reach. Then it flew away.
Zach rested and thought about why he was hanging on the wall. People should things that they are good at. After all, who wants to be known for things that they are not good at? I am just demonstrating to people what I can do.
He turned and looked at the police officers below. Don’t they have anything better to do? Don’t they have any drug dealers to bust or corporate raiders to arrest? I’m not hurting anyone. I’m just trying to make it in my own way.
The climber felt his hands slipping off of the wall again. No! I’ve got to hold on just a little bit longer. I can see the top from here! I’m almost there.
Suddenly, Zach woke up. He found himself in bed. Was it all just a dream? It seemed so real. I thought for sure that I was on that building just a few moments ago. I guess I’ve done it so many times that I’ve started climbing in my sleep. Oh well.
Then he realized something horrible. He wanted to forget everything and just die. Because now he knew the truth and it was more terrible than any nightmare he would ever have about falling off a building. He had not remembered a dream. He had remembered something which really happened. He knew now because he saw that his bed was in a hospital. And he couldn’t move at all.
He wanted to scream, but nothing came out.
Zach looked at the building.
Well, if I’m going to do it, I’d better get started.
He looked around nervously. People were walking back and forth on the sidewalk. As far as he could tell, nobody was paying attention to him. But that would soon change.
For a moment, he thought that he just wasn’t going to do it. I must be crazy to try this. This will never work. Maybe I should do something else. In don’t feel right about it. Am I having a panic attack?
He knew that he had to put all doubts to rest if he was going to succeed. I can do it. I certainly can’t do it if I don’t try. This is what I do best. I’m going to do it.
Then he walked over to the building and started climbing.
Zach knew that the first few minutes were the most important. If the security guys saw what he was doing, they could nab him before he got anywhere. He had to get out of their reach before it was too late.
He quickly worked his way up the edge. His hands griped every crack as tightly as possible as he pulled himself up. Why, this is easier than I thought. I’ll climb to the top in no time!
Zach carefully planned each move in advance. He kept reaching for higher crevices on the surface of the building. Inch by inch, he was slowly making his way up.
The climber heard some shouting from the ground. People were watching him now. He knew that the security had already been alerted. But they can’t stop me now. I’ve already made it to the third floor.
The best thing to do was to ignore the noise. It’s just a distraction. Once I get high enough, I won’t even hear them. They are all below me now.
Hey, this is actually fun. It reminds me when I was a kid and I climbed the monkey bars. Well, look at me now, everyone! I’m the amazing fly guy! I won’t stop till I get to the top.
He paused for a moment to look down. Heights didn’t bother him. With his free hand, he even waved at the crowd which was forming below. The police were there already. Incredible! Would they have arrived so soon if he had mugged? He heard a siren. Fire trucks. Now why would they think that he was going to start a fire. I guess they had to bring a whole truck with them just so they could set up a safety net. Well, that wouldn’t be necessary. I have no intention of falling.
Zach resumed his climb. His hand slipped off one of the crevices. He quickly grabbed another one. That brick felt a little oily. It doesn’t matter. I shall continue. He kept crawling up the edge. The corner of the building was the easiest part to climb. The police would also have a more difficult time getting to him there.
Oops. I almost lost my footing there. He stuck his foot into another crevice. The hands are what’s important anyway. If you have good hands, you can do anything with them.
The wind shook him slightly. It’s nothing. Just a breeze. A tornado couldn’t knock me off. I’ve just got to hold on and I’ll be alright.
He gritted his teeth. I wish I could stop and rest. This is taking a lot of energy. But I can’t quit now. I’ve got to keep going. There’s no going back now. I certainly couldn’t descend a building as easily. There’s no way to go except up.
Zach reached for the next crevice. His fingers couldn’t seem to grasp it. Is my hand numbing up in some way? He made another attempt. There, I got it. The climber pulled himself up another few inches.
For a moment, he seemed to be stuck. Anyway, he sure wasn’t traveling as fast as before. What was the problem? It seemed like the higher he got, the more gravity was pulling him down. The wind blew his face. His shirt rustled in the breeze. I’ve got to concentrate. All I have to do is what I did before to get. It’s all just the same thing over and over again.
He looked down for a moment. No, the height didn’t bother him. It was actually kind of exciting to be up there. He thought he noticed something on the wall of the building below him. Don’t tell me there’s another climber down there. Great. That’s just what I need. Competition. Whenever I have any idea, the problem is that it’s already been done or someone copies me soon afterwards. Even my craziest ideas get stolen.
Zach looked down again. There wasn’t another climber. There was just some guy sticking his head out of the window so he could get a better look at the climber. The wall crawler noticed that there were other people doing the same. Some of them were sticking out pretty far. Maybe they were having their own contest as to who could lean out the window the furthest. In that case, the winner would be the person who was the first to fall out. He was amazed at the way some people risked their lives in order to watch other people risk their lives. This is only for professionals, folks.
The climber stopped to rest. This wasn’t a good sign. He was spending too much time trying to catch his breath and not enough time getting to the top. But I can’t help it. I’m tired. I’m panting like a dog in heat. How much more of this can I take?
He looked toward the roof. How many more floors were there? It’s hard to see from this angle. Maybe fifteen, maybe twenty. That would mean I’m halfway done. Halfway to the top. I know that it will all be over soon enough.
Zach noticed a man looking down at him from three floors up. Maybe he’s a cop trying to stop or block me. Well, he’s wasting his time. I’m at the edge of the wall and there are no windows above me. The only way to beat me at my game is to come out here play with me. If anyone out there wants to try this, be my guest. Only let me warn you. It’s easier to drop on in than to drop out of this game.
The fly guy reached for another crevice above him.
Aaaaaaaaaah!
I almost yelled out loud. The edge of that brick just seemed to crumble in my hand. I’ve noticed that the cracks seem to be a lot dirtier now than they were below. I’m in uncharted territory. Nobody has touched these stones since the day they were set. It’s like climbing a mountain. Why do I do it? Because it’s there.
Wha…! Aaaaaaah! What the hell! A damned bird ran into me!
The climber watched as the pigeon settled on a ledge just a few feet above him. Hello, little fellow. I guess I’m not alone up here after all. I don’t suppose that you could give me some flying lessons. I thought not.
He raised his had for the ledge. No, just a few inches too short.
Ooooh! Crap! I cut my hand on something. It’s just a scratch, but it hurts like torture. This wall has some sharp edges. I’ve got to watch out.
The bird seemed to ignore him. It paced back and forth along the edge out of his reach. Then it flew away.
Zach rested and thought about why he was hanging on the wall. People should things that they are good at. After all, who wants to be known for things that they are not good at? I am just demonstrating to people what I can do.
He turned and looked at the police officers below. Don’t they have anything better to do? Don’t they have any drug dealers to bust or corporate raiders to arrest? I’m not hurting anyone. I’m just trying to make it in my own way.
The climber felt his hands slipping off of the wall again. No! I’ve got to hold on just a little bit longer. I can see the top from here! I’m almost there.
Suddenly, Zach woke up. He found himself in bed. Was it all just a dream? It seemed so real. I thought for sure that I was on that building just a few moments ago. I guess I’ve done it so many times that I’ve started climbing in my sleep. Oh well.
Then he realized something horrible. He wanted to forget everything and just die. Because now he knew the truth and it was more terrible than any nightmare he would ever have about falling off a building. He had not remembered a dream. He had remembered something which really happened. He knew now because he saw that his bed was in a hospital. And he couldn’t move at all.
He wanted to scream, but nothing came out.
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